Something was brought to my attention that I believe, as women, we all struggle with at one... or many... point(s) in our lives. That being the insecurities of our body.... whether its the shape, scale number, pant size, shoe size, even the color!!
I recently read a Fitmamas post on FB about her current insecurities, and luckily her decision to change that! (AWESOME JOB BY THE WAY) and I could, in some degree relate to her, again... I'm not a mother so I reiterate that to an extent I can relate to her feelings about her body changes, and how they can be disheartening and hard to adjust to. But as I read her post and the comments from the amazing... and opinionated women I had to ask myself
"Why do I work out?"
"What am I working towards?"
"Am I happy with my body... now? and before I started working out?"
For me, personally, my desire to kick myself into Beast Mode, required some motivation... after years of many attempts they would only last for a few months and then die off, I finally received that motivation... several accounts led up to this pivotal point but there was ONE specific reason I was 'compelled' to change myself physically. The pivotal experience left me..... in a pathetic pool of self pity, questioning everything about my worth, self respect, goals, desires, dreams I'd like to conquer... even down to things on my bucket list!!
I bring this up to answer that first question, "WHY DO I WORKOUT?"... after that experience I realized I needed to channel all my negativity in a different direction (away from myself). So I started small, doing workouts in my parents basement and walking at night, 6 days a week. It took a while but I noticed that my time was no longer bombarded by negative thoughts about my: weight, pant size, scale number. Once my basement workouts were no longer sufficient enough I requested help to a more organized workout that incorporated Cardio and weight lifting. I threw myself into those workouts and very quickly realized that I have a very strong passion for lifting heavy things. Still somewhat struggling with that pivotal moment I would channel the negativity into my weight lifting. The weight on my shoulders from daily life and my own self pity were soon being smashed by my lifting. My motivation to lift weights and lift heavy came from that drive to rid myself of the negative. FOR ME, that motivated me for almost 4 weeks (of weight lifting) before I realized that my motivation had changed... it was so gradual that I didnt notice it at first... it sort of just showed up in my face one day while cursing my life during plie squats on leg day. I realized that Yes, a specific moment got me to move... but that moment led me to an open door for a NEW ME, a new way to see myself, a way to see that Im progressing and Im damn proud of that progress, regardless of how small it is. Thus my answer to that same question was no longer "to rid the negative" but my answer had now become "I want to see how much, how far and how long I can go"... the progress in those numbers... how much Im lifting, how many reps, how many sets, in what time frame were now what motivated me to continue ( now almost 12 weeks in). And Im happy to say that my new motivation has also compelled me to push my goals to higher limits now that I've proven to myself that I CAN DO ANYTHING I WORK FOR!!!
Which has led me to the next two questions:
"What am I working towards?"
My work outs are no longer geared towards a smaller pant size, or scale number (although I mentally still struggle with the scale not changing even though my pant size changed... how effed up is that huh?), I find myself striving in each workout to meet my max number of reps & sets at my current weights so I can increase them. (i.e: 15lbs for DB workouts, 70lbs for any cable or machine, 95lbs for Bench presses, and 135lbs squats).. I'm working to push those numbers up 5lbs-10lbs every 4-5 weeks. All because now I want to see how far I can go. * I'm in no rush to get to specific numbers, I'm just doing it*
"Am I happy with my body... now? and before I started working out?"
looking back i realize that it took me about 4 weeks to SEE for myself that, at the time, YES, I was happy with my body, It wasn't in my "ideal" condition but for the most part I was happy. I was just severely side tracked because of the stupid-not stupid moment. But I was happy that I was healthy, with all my hair, teeth, good skin, properly functioning strong organs, no physical disorders, physical disabilities, and joints that didn't ache or flair up to certain foods. *NOTE: it took that pivotal moment and 4 weeks of re-channeling my negativity to see that my body was more than just a number on a scale or pant size... and for me to re-program my brain to see "healthy" as healthy and not skinny*
Today I am very confident when I say "Yes! I am happy with my body now!". Its put up with the emotional junk I've given it, the over processed foods I've made it digest, the headaches of listening to my own negative thoughts about "myself" (the number on the scale). And yet has still managed to prove myself to myself. It has led me to see that 'MYSELF' is what I choose to let me become... negative or positive. Luckily for me I've made it a habit to make the positives become ME!!!
Each of us have a different reason to start working out, a different motivator, but one thing I can promise to you is that:
Your goals will change as you continue! So don't fret it!
Your opinion of yourself will change too.. quit being so hard on yourself if the numbers aren't moving as quickly as you want them too. TRUST YOURSELF!!! You're changing!!! In more ways than you know!!
You'll Inspire those around you with what you're doing for yourself!!! KEEP IT UP!!!
-Ash
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